This is perhaps one of the most important skills to have ..
(After all, how much do horses enjoy having an out of control, emotional rider on their backs?)
Before you go into the ring ...
In fact, before you get up on your horse!
And actually, before you even get out of bed every day!
(And what better time than the holidays, with all the "personalities" together, to learn these emotional strength & resiliency skills?)
Step 1: Change Your Beliefs!
The reason we get upset or angered when someone or something "does something to us" ...
Is because we believe that "does something to us" phrase.
It is how we are framing the experience; the meaning we are giving to it.
Based upon ...
The belief that others are responsible for our feelings and reactions ...
Then we will blame them. (And complain about them.)
Remember that whenever we blame others, we are volunteering to become victims.
And victims are disempowered and angry.
"But they DID say something that hurt or angered me."
"But the _____ DID do something he/she should not have." (Fill in with trainer, horse, friends, etc.)
For example, I hear this a lot; "My trainer criticized me!"
Ok, but what does that have to do with YOUR feelings and reactions?
(THAT is within YOUR control! THAT is YOUR responsibility. And YOUR choice!)
"But he/she said this about my riding (or disposition or work in their career).
My answer? Why are you choosing to label it as criticism?
Maybe she is voicing her opinions or concerns?
Maybe she is doing you a favor and giving you valuable feedback?
Maybe this is not the BAD news, but the good news that will end up helping you?
But at the moment when you first "hear" or read the comments ...
The initial pain and knee-jerk reaction is just your default/automatic "untrained" and "not reined in" mental programming.
See, this is a belief that we hold that is keeping us a prisoner of our emotions ...
(Riding and going through life with a target on our backs!)
That other people, places and things are responsible for our feelings and reactions.
And we believe this because it FEELS like we can't control our feelings and reactions!
But the truth is, the new belief we can adopt, is ...
WE are responsible for our own feelings and reactions REGARDLESS of what others are saying or doing.
So, I know at first this new belief is like a cognitive dissonance moment, and we don't agree, or even want to believe. the new, more empowering belief ...
(Wait, that means it is my fault?)
But consider this ...
People who have learned what techniques work for them to prevent themselves from being triggered ...
Or to quickly turn off their default REACTIONS after they get triggered ...
And to instead, immediately deploy measured and sane RESPONSES that serve them better ...
(To include even laughing at what used to trigger them!)
Become believers of this unversal truth:
No one (no people, places or things) can push our buttons unless WE give them that power!
Yup, it's true!
Think about this for a moment ...
Why give your power away to others?
This is something we are VOLUNTEERING to do!
It's amazing what happens when WE take back the reins of our emotions.
When we take EXTREME OWNERSHIP for preventing our buttons from being pushed and for deploying better responses!
When we DECIDE that no one can unseat us!
Or even upset us ... not for long anyway!
And I mean NO ONE! Yup, at a snap of a finger ... poof! Gone!
How empowering is that??????
But without this new belief and techniques to not become unseated ...
We instead attempt to feel empowered by trying to control others!
We get all grabby with the reins and get in their face and start correcting them!
Telling them THEY said or did something wrong!
We even gather metrics and evidence by telling the story to our friends, family, and co-workers who hold the same "victim" beliefs. and getting them to agree with us!
Now we come armed with fire power; credible evidence that we are right and the other person is wrong!
(Being right ALSO makes us feel powerful!)
Now we feel vindicated to decide to give ourselves the role of being Directors; straight out of Hollywood!
We decide to start censoring them.
Directing their actions.
Even giving them word-by-word scripts!
Maybe even going so far as to letting them know what tone of "voice" they are allowed to deliver the lines with! And when!
(I'm not referring to parents teaching their children... I'm referring to gown adults directing grown adults!)
Yup! But here's the problem ... in case it is not obvious ...
Controlling other people, places and things is not only delusional ...
It is a flashing billboard to the whole world that we can't master ourselves!
Handing out to your universe a resume of alternative credible evidence that we OBVIOUSLY lack emotional strength and resiliency!
That we clearly EMBRACE being pitiful, out-of-control victims who now need to control others!
And while it FEELS powerful to control others (and even becomes addicting) ...
To DEMAND that the world walk around on eggshells around us ...
Or we wiIl take our toys and go home ... is actually fake, and childish, pseudo power.
Which not only ends up stabbing us in our backs (think self-sabotaging, because NO ONE likes to be controlled by others!) ...
But is not anywhere NEAR as empowering and satisfying as being REALLY powerful.
The definition of which is ... being able to control and master ourselves!
Becoming unflappable. Cool, calm, and unable to be triggered or manipulated. (Think 007 or Navy Seal!)
And broadcasting THAT powerful brand on those billboards along our bridle path instead!
2. So, this is a decision we need to make ...
To change our beliefs and to take back our power!
3. Commit to learning the tools and techniques that work for each one of us!
(Which starts first with uncovering WHY certain things have triggered you. Then we move into solutions!)
4. Enjoy the new, empowered inner strength and the new unflappable YOU!
This I can promise you ...
Life is SO MUCH MORE enjoyable when we are not going through it ...
Hypersensitive and on a roller coaster of the pain and blame game.
Spinning through life like an out-of-control bomb about to go off with anything we don't like.
Embarrassing ourselves with having obvious control issues!
And along with being more enjoyable to be around when we have mastered ourselves ...
We will also no longer need to quit or to keep running away from people, places and things that trigger us ...
Further programming our brains to practice the bad habits of avoidance.
And the powerless and angry feelings of blame.
Talk about riding with confidence and joy!
Talk about transforming your life!
So when you see people blaming others for their feelings ...
Demoniing their words or actions ...
With the exception of extreme circumstances, those people lack emotional strength and resiliency.
Obviously, we can choose to avoid what are, or what we are labeling as, critical and toxic people.
But if we are on a mission to become self-empowered and unflappable, and have a rule, to REFUSE to allow them to effect us, we don't need to avoid or direct them, do we?
Then we can handle anything, right?
SOLUTION: We need to spray ourselves with Teflon and put on our own powerful shields!
Want some stories and techniques used by some of my riders?
Read my book ... Or purchase this as a gift.It is now available on Amazon.
Or read about it and download an instant digital version here:
Equestrian Rockstars: Solving Your Puzzle for Riding with Confidence and Joy
Ready to move away from the pain and embarrassment of not performing at your best with your riding ...
Of not being able to control your buttons being pushed by others?
Want to learn how to become UNFLAPPABLE?
These emotional strength and resilience skills are included in my basic equestrian bootcamp program ...
As well as my UNFLAPPABLE coaching program for non-riders.
Click here to chat with me:
Schedule a free chat
Make it a day filled with accomplishments and joy!
Breakthrough Mental Skills Coach
Emotional Strength and Resilience Trainer