"They'll say they're perfectionists. They'll say they just have extremely high standards.
"But really, they've just learned to complain.
"And trained their neural pathways to be really good at complaining.
"Venting Won't Make You Feel Better. Science Says So.
"I know what you're thinking: When you're mad, upset, frustrated, etc., releasing those negative feelings helps you feel better.
"Nope: Science says whining about your problems actually makes you feel worse, not better." Quote from INC article at the bottom of this newsletter.
Note from Nancy: It is not just because of conditioning the neural pathways that we continue to complain. It's because while science says it makes us feel worse, not better, people who complain all the time will swear to you that "venting" makes them feel better. In fact, they feel worse if they don't!
Why is this? The article doesn't address the answer to this, but there are many ... depending up on each individual. And THIS is what each person needs to get to the bottom of.
What is THEIR own personal secondary gains that they are receiving from venting ... for some, it is the illusion mentioned above that they are perfectionists with high standards;
This is why they put others down and complain. It makes them FEEL superior. It is a need for significance, feeling important and unique and better than others, that is being fulfilled in a negative and unhealthy way rather than a positive way.
Arrogance, or looking down our nose at others, that is basically a billboard for low self-esteem and a core foundation of feeling dis-empowered and inferior to others.
For some people, complaining is a dysfunctional way to fulfill their need for connection with others.
And the list goes on and on as to why each person is "addicted" to "venting", complaining or people other people, places and things down. THESE are the puzzles that we need to figure out and to then come up with a solution for.
And this is why I don't accept into my program people who are also seeing therapists because "talking about your feelings" over and over, session after session, IS the problem.
My program is about training riders to get off that bridle path and to rewire NEW neuro pathways that are healthy and empowering. It's the exact opposite process!
I teach them how to quickly get OFF the venting narrative they are spinning around in!
And in the beginning, no, that doesn't feel very good. (Ever try to take an addiction away from someone?) Some clients start rebelling ... acting very much like a bucking bronco or they run away!
(All of which just confirms that talking about it ad nauseum is what they REALLY want to do. They don't actually want a solution! And I'm all about the solutions and RESULTS!)
But if they stay with it, very soon, these become addicted to feeling good with a different narrative, one that makes them feel empowered, rather than to feel bad.
Yes, people are addicted to that negative "venting" behavior which may FEEL better in one way, but actually as neuroscience has proven, ultimately makes you feel worse.
Think drugs .... or another other addiction that has a temporary high as it drags us down a life altering dark bridle path that ultimately sucks us in and slams us down.
Your mental health is only as good as the narrative in your head and the resulting behavior that it creates.
And if you're a trainer or a leader (or parents), those who are following you will do just that. They will follow you on the path that you are on, NOT the path that you would like THEM to be on!