Who's to Blame?
"I know it's my fault she has these issues with the mental part of her riding."
I hear this a lot from parents.
(The trainer's version is; "I don't know what else to do. I'm so frustrated now, I may be making it worse."
While it is always a good sign to recognize and take ownership in our part of things, I'm not a believer in blaming parents. Or trainers.
Or anyone or anything for that matter.
In fact, I am pretty much known for HATING blame.
After 30 years of coaching, I have found that blame is the number one reason why most people have problems and stay stuck in them.
This perception about the dangers of blame is pretty much one of the main pillars of my program!
Why is that?
Because the moment that we blame others (which is a process of demonizing others), we are handing our power over to them ...
We are volunteering to become disempowered victims.
What is the answer to this?
Which requires that we give up those excuses!
We are all responsible for who we are, the thoughts and actions we take, and who we decide to become.
I told this to my own son (over and over), and I tell this to all children and adults:
"It doesn't matter what your parents (or trainer) said or did. What matters is how you reframe it, and what YOU decide to do with that!"
Nobody is perfect and some people can just be down right awful because they don't know any other way to go through life ...
Or they have "difficult personalities", challenging mental or physical health issues.
(Or they simply don't know a more effective method of parenting, training or communicating.)
All that matters is what YOU are going to change within yourself ...
And what YOU are going to achieve in life despite other people or past events.
In my world, there is no such thing as negative parents, trainers or events ...
It's all good if you decide to perceive it like that. That's not being the obnoxiously positive Pollyanna.
That is from having total confidence and knowing with absolute certainty ...
How to take ANY arrows or any negative event and turn it around and use it to make myself and my life better!
It's a skill that I teach, and it didn't just come from all the text books, research, studying, and training that I did with the top peak performance coaches.
It came from taking all that information and figuring out my own puzzle as to what tools, leverage, and techniques would work ...
For me to get out of the painful disempowered victim mode.
And those stuck, spinning around, avoidance and running away modes!
Those self-destructive bad habits of moving three steps forward and then two steps back with my self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings.
And finally ... to find the FASTEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE solutions ...
To SUCCESSFULLY move through the EXPERIENCE of jumping over a lot of tough adversity.
I had to learn how to stop the pattern of anger and demonizing others (whenever they triggered me) ...
To embracing the MESSAGE or lesson that I was supposed to learn.
(You know, that reason why ANY challenge is put on our bridle path in life. )
My mantra? It goes like this;
"Bad news? Bring it on! I specialize in overcoming ANY adversity and making it work for me!"
Same can be said for tough parents or trainers who are not perfect.
This is a technique, by the way. It is called CONSCIOUS BLAME.
This is where we reframe other people's words or actions to make them work FOR us, not AGAINST us.
As Tony Robbins is famous for saying, "If my mother had been who I wanted her to be, I would not be the man today that I am proud to have become."
This NEW, empowered mindset that we can decide and choose for a healthier and more productive way to go through life.
That's what I do; shift people from blame to extreme ownership.
Stories (excuses) into results.
And people learning how to take ANYTHING and make it work for them!
WHAT CAUSED THIS PROBLEM?
That being said, it IS helpful to start coaching with the insight of knowing the history or the past of a rider.
Discovering their puzzle ...
Those words or events that someone can perceive in a way that is not serving them well and instead, is triggering un-resourceful emotions.
(I have spent countless hours, both on the phone and on site at horse shows, ...
Trying to console riders who parents who were angry (or the rider PERCEIVED they were upset) at them for knocking down a rail or not placing in the ribbons.)
Or trainers that reacted with "fed up frustration" at them for AGAIN repeating the same mistakes over and over.
When riders coach with me, my standard rule is this:
We can not control other people, places, or things.
We can only control ourselves.
(Which most clients don't believe is true when they first start coaching with me.)
Therefore, we need to change how we allow other people, places and things to affect us.
So does that totally get the parents and trainers who are not succeeding with their "methods" off the hook?
We all know that our words and actions can affect others in a negative way, and we ARE responsible for our own actions!
Yes, parents and trainers can make it more difficult for children.
In fact, they can react in ways that are quite damaging and not even know they are doing it.
But let's assume your actions aren't over the top. How would a parent/trainer benefit from coaching too?
1. So that the parent/trainer feels better inside (peace and joy) and the parent takes control of THEIR thoughts and REACTIONS. (So triggers won't affect them.)
2. So that the parent better understands horses and this sport.
3. So the parents/trainers can learn how to navigate each other, gossip, other parents, and the pitfalls that are inherent for any athlete or sport.
4. So that the parents/trainers can learn how to stop enabling children (doing for them what they should be doing for themselves) ...
And to instead raise strong, independent riders who take extreme ownership for their success and failures.
5. To become the best version of you and for you to achieve peak performance in your parenting/training life and your career.
6. Because if we are not EFFECTIVELY helping our riders/clients/children, we could be making it more difficult for them.
(Same could be said for training horses, right?_
Is that worth changing? Let's hope so because it is easier to PREVENT bigger problems from happening then from trying to undo and retrain!
And in the current environment of this fast changing world ....
Timing is everything!
To schedule a consult for 1:1 high end coaching for parents, trainers or riders, please email me at:
Make it a powerful day today!
Breakthrough Equestrian Mental Skills Coach
Emotional Strength & Resilience Trainer