Hi Nancy, 

I love it when ...

Riders sign up with me to coach because they don't have confidence and some of them are thrilled to discover that their problem is not that they don't HAVE confidence. 

The problem is that they have it, but can't step into it and OWN it!

There are a lot of reasons for this, but one of the main ones is ...

Fear of coming off cocky or arrogant. Egotistical and more concerned with our image.

Or for some people, it is just automatic thoughts and behaviors from rules and programming from when they were growing up.

A perfect example of that is someone who grew up in a Southern culture where the rule was to shrink yourself so that other people wouldn't feel bad (or blinded) by your greatness or success.

Not celebrating a win because the people around you who didn't win will feel bad.

The rule in that household may have been that we put others first. We lift them up by shrinking ourselves.

Which means, we sacrifice ourselves for others, because that is exactly what you are doing! Not being able to own your confidence that comes from all your hard work with your self-esteem, your skills, your intellect, all your experiences in life, and your engaging personality!


Now, some people DO come off as cocky or arrogant, and yes, we will push people away with that attitude, so that reality there is one of the reasons for being fearful about owning our confidence, right?

But the meaning we are giving to owning our confidence is that we will lose friends or family. And maybe the ultimate meaning is a fear of being alone.


So if that is the meaning that you give to stepping into your confidence, then somehow you have wired, or married, those things together in your brain. 

Feeling confident = losing friends and being alone. 

That is how you have coded your brain, so of course, subconsciously, you are dimming your own light and holding yourself back!

The difference between confidence and arrogance is about being open to learning something new. Arrogance is an attitude of knowing it all and NOT be open to feedback or learning something new.

But can we be amazing and confident and know a TON, and be very successful, and yet still remain open to learning something new? To know that we are not perfect and we are always in the process of growing? Yes, that is the definition of humility.

"Wait, so you are saying ... if I step into my confidence, everyone will embrace me and no one will think I am cocky?"

No, sadly, that is not true because some people who are not confident (or not successful) DO feel "less than" in the presence of people that they perceive are somehow greater than themselves. And they experience that as being painful. So, yes, you MAY get some arrows!

But are you willing to shrink yourself to their level just so that they don't feel bad? Whose job is it for those people to feel good about themselves and to become the best that they can be? Is that your job?

Those people who are jealous, do they all have the option of experiencing your greatness NOT as something painful, but as an inspiration and as a force that moves them to step up in their own lives?

Does everyone have within them the power to reframe and to make themselves happy?

Whose job is that? What happens when we do for others what they should (and need) to do for themselves? Isn't that the definition of enabling? Isn't enabling another word for Disabling?

Decide that you will own your confidence and inspire others to step up and do the same.

Those that are threatened by that, who can't handle their emotions "of not as good as you and not as good I want to be right now", will NEVER continue moving forward and stepping up and continuing to grow if we enable them to stay stuck where they are by shrinking ourselves so that they don't feel the pain of where they are in their sport or their lives.

We don't have to subconsciously sabotage ourselves in the ring so that our teammates won't get jealous or become sad about not getting a ribbon too!

If our confidence and success makes other people feel bad, then that is the good news for them if they choose to use it as rocket fuel. As leverage. THAT is the skill we ALL need to perfect ... how to step up by using the leverage of moving away from pain.

Instead of feeling jealous of other people's confidence, they can use that leverage to move them forward into raising their standards and their results in life.

But that is none of your business! Stay in your own lane.

The best way to help is from the position of inspiration. NOT from shrinking or holding yourself back.

If you sense they are feeling bad about not being as good as you, or not being where they want to be, talk back to that old programming inside your head and tell yourself you are doing them a great service by not rescuing them from their most powerful leverage: disappointment or pain.

So step into your confidence and own it. Inspire the world.

Have a great week! 

Nancy Dye
Breakthrough Mental Skills Coach
Emotional Strength & Resiliency Trainer
Strategic Interventionist


Nancy Dye
Elite Lifestyle Transformations, LLC
11924 Forest Hill Blvd., Ste 10A-211
Wellington, Florida 33414
United States of America